Either I'm spinning myself into a pupa or I'm busting out of one. My fingers are crossed and my eyes are reluctant to take a gander at just what's going on. Am I becoming or am I accepting? I'm noticing some stages of my life that I have passed through without even realizing at the time, and I feel mostly good about getting past some of my silly phases. In the spirit of the Adams sisters (and for fear of my undeniable lack of organization) , I will make a list:
1. The Tracey Chapman phase. Whereas I totally still love her music, it lost some of its luxurious mope when I realized that I was happily married and politically conservative. I guess I have lost some of my cherished reasons for feeling mournful and indulging in mournful tunes. More or less a good thing, just have to seek out newer and happier music. Okay. (is okay not a word? why is it getting the red line? LAME!)
2. The Watch Phase. This one is less of a developmental advancement and more of a step toward self-awareness. I used to be a watch-junky which I actually think is kind of cool. Somewhere along the way, I stopped caring about time, and embraced not only my watch-free wrists, but my tardy/irreverent approach to all situations in life. Instead of a watch, I caved in and bought a planner-which is mostly useless as I can't keep a schedule while I knowingly resist the demands of time. I subscribe to the theory of relativity that asserts that time does not exist. The problem in this lies with the all the other people who insist that it does exist, and that the virtues of honoring time outnumber the virtues of ignoring it. I think I should regress and go back to the watch.
3. Youngness.
Enough of the list-there is something bigger I am trying to develop into or out of...its normalcy, I think? I always wanted a big life-maybe some fame, hopefully some fortune, and definitely some permanent contribution to the world. Its not just acknowledging who I won't be, but who I am and who I will be. I will never be a James Bond girl, or a mother Theresa, or an Oprah, or a Spice girl, or a Jane Austen. I don't know that I necessarily ever cared to be any one of these, but I did have some pretty fantastic dreams-am I giving up when I change my mind every semester about what I want to study? Is it balls, resolve, focus, or just plain smarts that are painfully absent from my eternal metamorphosis? What if I want to be a butterfly and I end up a moth?
"Oh shut up Mrs. Metaphor! Who do you think you are?! you're a freaking person-a crazy person-who should pull your head out of what? No, not a pupa, your bum-hole! For heaven's sake have a little self-respect and live in the now-the here-and the real. Gees!"
To which POMcDWG says " she was only trying to make peace between her dreams and probability, there's no reason to be rude"
"What do YOU know, Mc Donalds girl? why don't you just go back to your mop bucket and clean floors?!"
POMcDWG "I must have smoked one two many dumb-dumb leaves to believe that I should be working here while you parade around like someone's conscience when all you are is a fun-hating, dream-killer"
..."touchee"
POMcDWG utters quietly and triumphantly " yeah...beeotch"
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I'm currently going through an inadequate phase... to which I must slap myself out of it. The reason? I'm surrounded by over acheiving Mormon Women and school just started. And oh yeah, my 3.75 year old is yet to be party trained.
My motto? Mediocrity Rocks!
I say dream, and dream big, never settle for someone else's view of success, and look at the journey with the eyes you have so beautifully declared on your blog. I believe that when one accepts and seeks for truth in their OWN life that is when other people's validation doesn't matter.
I have phases as well, many have passed thankfully, but I embrace them whole heartedly and look to them for strength. My favorite period of my life was the "Heidi Phase." Next in the line is the Serving phase. Why? Because one reminds me of innocence, creativity and happiness and that we dared to make on our own, without needing the acceptance of others. The other phase is the SERVER phase, and it is the murky water, which I remind myself was crucial to my growth...I would not be as self aware as loving or as accepting of others if I had not lived that phase! (although I am still working on this.)
I guess I am saying what Rabid said, who is defining what is mediocre and what is success? over achieving women have a very graceful way of infecting others with their rigid views of being successful. How dare a mother enjoy her son whole heartedly regardless of what level he reads at, where he chooses to poop, or whether he will be famous some day!!!!!
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